Behind Enemy Timelines
An exposé on the international rules of fraping and Gorilla’s very own code of conduct AKA ‘A Gentlemonkey’s Guide to Office Fraping’.
You know how some factories and places of work have signs reading ‘# days since last accident (or raptor attack, for cooler work environments)’? At Gorilla HQ, we have one that reads ‘# Days Since Last Frape’. It’s a regular occurrence and occupational hazard with almost as much fall-out. To clarify for those of you currently head-scratching, urban dictionary defines frape as ‘Facebook-rape. Where you accidentally leave your Facebook logged in while your friends change all of your details to comically misleading things…’.
It may sound like the digital equivalent of playground rough-housing or locker room hijinks but a well-executed frape is an art form. An extremely elusive art form, requiring a finely tuned balance of speed and wit.
Exhibit A: Our Head Crayon left his profile vulnerable for far too long!
Shenanigans like this occur each time you leave your desk or step out for lunch, so you might enquire as to how we keep things at a level of commendable mischief instead all-out digital anarchy. We’re glad you asked! Whilst there are some recognised Rules of Fraping, us Gorillas have our very own code of conduct. This sacred set of laws is based on the international parameters but tailored to suit our particular stretch of jungle and its various inhabitants.
Exhibit B: Coaxing Drew out the closet as a full-fledged Belieber
Thus we impart to you…
The Gentlemonkey’s Guide to Office Fraping
1. NEVER MESS AROUND ON CLIENT PAGES!
2. One may not steal the victim’s password. Frape may only take place on THE VICTIM’S computer if they have left themselves logged into Facebook.
3. If a laptop has been closed or monitor darkened (in terms of the design team), a frape may not ensue. Open laptop: open gates!
4. Once fraped, the victim may not delete anything that has been posted/changed until a screen-grab of the masterpiece has been taken for posterity. Thereafter all alterations may be returned to normal. If you can find them.
6. If the victim interrupts a frape-in-progress, the frape is deemed unsuccessful. This is because fraping was invented by ninjas, therefore the element of sneakiness is paramount. True ninjas are able to frape anyone right under their nose.
7. One may not be too vulgar whilst fraping. The desired reaction is “Well played, sir”, not “What the hell is wrong with you?”.
8. Posting the victim’s personal details on groups and pages of ill-repute is illegal.
9. Posting on the victim’s parents’ walls nor family members’ walls is not permitted.
10. If a frape is poor, resulting in no ridicule or comments, the fraper will have to perform a forfeit to be decided by the victim.
11. The Conductor & Magic Bean Counter Clause states that under NO circumstances may a frape be carried out on either of these parties. Their laptops are Switzerland.
With those rules in mind, the rest is left up to your Machiavellian imaginations – leave no meme unturned, like ALL the pages! Some Gorillas even keep desktop folders on hand for sudden fraping opportunities. Here are some helpful suggestions to kick-start your plotting:
• Change the timeline cover to something dodgy
• Use the word nipples way too much
• Change the victim’s birthday to the present day
• Like as many odd, esoteric and controversial pages as possible
• Declare that you just ate a baby
• Add all suggested friends. Yes, ALL
Exhibit C: And of course swapping your boss’ profile photo with that of a wrinkled & hairless kitten